Pesadillas

I'm going to take a moment and forego the posts that should be in progress right now, my trip to Uruguay, this past bicentennial weekend, everything, to talk about something that has been ruining my sleep. Pesadillas... also known as nightmares. Those have been happening to me the past few days, and would you imagine the timing? I have one month left of IES and of living in my homestay.

WORRY 1

I consider my homestay my home. It has my room. My bed. My rock star brothers. My adorable host mom. I'm used to living here. Other things I've become used to...
-- taking the elevator up and down to and from my apartment
-- waking up in the morning and looking in my purse praying to God that I have coins to take the bus, otherwise I'll be leaving earlier to be able to walk to IES in time
-- having a rushed conversation with Javier the doorman before I go catch the 152 or speedwalk to class
-- gripping my purse until my fist turns purple because yes, even that business man in the suit will steal your stuff
-- walking in the city
-- pushing myself onto the subte (subway)... I have pretty good subte balance by now as well
-- alllllll of my classes in Spanish
-- alllllll the people around me in the city speaking Spanish
-- going out for a beer at night with friends
-- dinner at 9... 9:30... 10
-- not using my cellphone
-- knowing that I need to have close to exact change to buy anything
-- dividing every price by four to convert to USD
-- not telling anyone where I am and it's ok

These everyday situations all lead into this nightmare: I walk into my house, set all my luggage down, and have a complete breakdown. What do I do now? Where do I go? When I walk out of my house, I have a driveway... I have a lawn... I have to get in my car to go anywhere, and it doesn't matter if I have quarters or not. Everyone is speaking English and they will understand me the first time around when I ask them something. Everyone moved on with their lives when I was gone and now I just have to get back into the swing of things. Normal, everyday life like I never left. And that freaks me out.

I was talking to Mama Feli today about my pesadillas and how I feel like leaving is going to be one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. She said that all the girls that have stayed with her have cried when they left, and she always wondered why it was so sad for them to leave. But then she came up with this conclusion, that it's because the first day that we come here, we change from being a kid to being an adult. All of a sudden we have to take care of ourselves, venture around a HUGE city, no one is holding our hands or telling us where to go. We do everything on our own. Plan our own trips, take care of business on our own in a different language; it's a lot of growing up in a very short amount of time. When I go back, I'm not going to be the same person as when I left. For the better, yes, but it's still going to make the adjustment back difficult. When I go back home, I feel like either I'll be all over the place or I'll be stuck in my room, clueless about what to do.

WORRY 2

This may just be my personality, but I am afraid that I have not taken every opportunity that I have had here. Maybe I should have made the effort to travel to more places, walk around the city more, talk to more locals, eat at nicer restaurants, go shopping more, spend more time in different neighborhoods. I have this fear that I'm going to go back home and look back on all of the things that I could have done, instead of what I should do, which is look back at everything I was so lucky to experience. I'm afraid that I will regret every second that I wasn't exploring, every second that I didn't try to improve my Spanish-speaking ability, every second that I didn't take to stretch myself. I do realize that I have done a lot here, way more than I thought I would, but I just hope when I go back home the things that I did do resound stronger in my memory than the regrets of everything I didn't do.

Obviously thinking of leaving this country has been affecting me greatly. I've become very sentimental toward Buenos Aires lately, and yes, part of it could be a result of all the national pride displayed this past weekend for the bicentennial. But I really do feel like Argentina is a second home to me now. So, I have decided to finish my undergraduate degree here.

Juuuuussst kidding. I will be returning to the United States at the end of July. Hopefully by then I'll be able to collect my thoughts and prepare myself for West Michigan living. I do miss everyone and everything back home, but I have already begun to realize everything I will be missing here. I don't think there's any way that I could live the rest of my life without returning to Buenos Aires. This city, with all its quirks, has a special place in my heart. So, during my absence, don't cry for me, Argentina.